"'Woe to me!' I cried. 'I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.'"
Isaiah 6:5
My heart is heavy. It's several reasons. For one, God has allowed me to feel a deep guilt tonight. Not so He can leave me here in disgust, but so He can refine me. So He can remind me that I am dust, and so He can teach me the art of losing myself.
Out of a broken and repentant heart, I feel the need to write the world a letter of apology. Yep! I'm writing the world a letter. Here goes.
Dear Six Billion Other People on Earth,
I am so sorry.
I am sorry that I have lived nineteen selfish, prideful years of life. I'm sorry that all along I've claimed to have my eyes fixed on Christ, when they've really been fixed on my self.
I'm sorry that I stereotype you, judge you, and ignore you. I see your skin, your clothes, your past, your present, your actions, and your failures. I don't see you for who you are; you are a precious soul made in the image of God. You were made to be loved and cherished. Yes, you are a soul who just so happens to be in a certain body and in a certain set of circumstances. I am so sorry.
I'm sorry that I take everything for granted. Good grief. I complain about going to class when I have been given an education you only dream of! I play on my laptop and text on my phone to keep myself awake during lecture. You are allotted one piece of paper and one pencil a year. You thirst for knowledge, but don't have the opportunity to even learn to read. I played school with my twenty baby dolls when I was six years old. When you were six, you mothered your siblings and worked all day to bring home money for food to survive. That's grossly unfair. We are both souls; I just happened to be born rich and you were born poor. I'm sorry I am so ungrateful and snobby.
I'm sorry I waste my time. You know what? It's not even my time. It's God's time, and I waste it! In my "busy schedule," I Facebook, text, watch football, go to movies, and all kinds of other stuff that is simply meaningless. You're desperate for someone to bring you a meal. To invest time and love in you. To just be with you. I forget that you are out there in desperate need of relationship because I am too busy watching crap on YouTube. I am so sorry.
I'm sorry that I have a closet full of clothes, and I don't care that you only have one shirt. I'm sorry that I'm shopping for a cute winter coat when you don't have a pillow to lay your head on. I'm sorry that in my culture, we all worry about our weight because we eat all day long. You're starving. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry that my world is so small.
What I'm mostly sorry about is the fact that I call myself a "Christian." In taking on that label, I have tarnished the name of the Messiah Savior. You watch me do stupid things with a selfish attitude, and that gives you every right to be confused by Christianity.
But please listen. Jesus is not like me. He rolls up His sleeves. He cares for, even dies for, the lowliest, poorest, meekest. He provides. He loves you and sees you for the beautiful soul He created you to be. I am a poor display of Christ, but by His grace, He uses me anyways.
One more thing I'm sorry for. I'm sorry that even though I'm hit with guilt tonight, I'll spend tomorrow much like I spent today. But God promises He began a good work in me and He'll carry it on to completion. He began the process of refining my heart for Him, and He'll purify me. Slowly but surely, He'll remove my heart of stone. I'm gonna fight for you. I promise.
With love,
Hannah
..."'See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.' Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here I am. Send me!'" Isaiah 6:7-8
